Dead
by Romona-Rain
Summary: Sirius's thoughts during his first day of Azkaban


_**Hi! This is my second fanfic so sorry if it stinks, but hopefully I'll get better at writing over time.**_

 _ **But even if this is terrible, if you review please tell me how to improve it.**_

 _ **Thanks :)**_

 _Dead._ Over and over that single word, one syllable, four letters, yet so, so powerful, floated around in his head.

It was mocking him- he was trapped, trapped inside his mind and there was no relief, none at all.

 _Dead._

They were _dead, dead_ because of him and he _could have saved them_ but he _didn't_ and it was all his fault-

 _It was his fault._

And there he was, sitting in an Azkaban cell with his back pressed against the wall and he was innocent but guilty at the same time because _it was his fault_ yet he didn't deserve this.

It wasn't him who had killed the Potters, but it might as well have been.

His thoughts drifted to those who weren't dead (he could not think of James and Lily without feeling the deepest pain imaginable), like Remus and _Peter_ and Harry.

 _Remus,_ he thought sadly. Remus would now have to undergo his transformations alone, without Padfoot and Prongs and Wormtail, but even if Sirius were free he would not want Sirius there.

Because Remus probably hated him- and for good reason, too.

But did he hate Peter? No, he didn't.

Remus did not know it was Peter. He thought it was him.

 _Peter,_ he inwardly cried, trying to wrap his mind around the fact that it was Peter, _Peter goddamn Pettigrew_ who killed the Potters.

Little Peter, who Sirius would affectionately call "the Cowardly Lion" (though never out loud).

Peter, who, despite almost failing his OWLs, was rather good at snatching food from the kitchens because of his wit.

Peter, though a bit cautious, was one of Sirius's best friends.

Had been, actually. He was no longer a friend, not at all.

And even though Sirius deserved to die, to rot, Peter deserved much, much worse.

Peter had done this, and Peter was not dead.

But the Potters were. James and Lily- they were dead.

And then he thought of Harry, the little baby boy who had bested the most feared wizard in the world.

Harry, who looked just like James, with the exception of his eyes; he had Lily's eyes.

But Lily's eyes would never see again because she was _dead_ and _the Potters were dead._

How two people who had the most life in them had died, he did not understand.

When he thought of Lily all he could see was her body, laying lifeless on the ground, Harry sobbing for his mother- but _no Harry, your mother is dead. Your mother is dead and she won't come back for you because she dead and I'm sorry Harry because it's all my fault._

Sirius leaned back and slowly slid down the wall until he was lying flat on his back, covering his ears because his thoughts were so loud and they were deafening him and he was going to drown in the guilt, drown in the darkness because it was _all his fault._

His long, black hair, once sleek, was now tangled and matted with dirt and mud; his face was dirty and streaked with tears. Sirius was going to go crazy with grief and if he saw Pettigrew now he would not hesitate to _kill him._

Sirius laughed without humour. He was just as bad as Pettigrew, now.

Because he and Peter had both killed the Potters. They were both murderers in their own way. Though Peter had done the killing, Sirius could have done the preventing, yet he didn't. So really, it was _all his fault._

He and Peter, they were killers. Sirius was innocent but he was also guilty because he was a killer but he wasn't and he was trapped in a cage of grief and pain and there was no escape, was there? No escape, he was forever stuck in this web of betrayal and-

Sirius let out a quiet sob. Maybe he wasn't good enough for the world to spare him of this grief.

But he had to stay strong for Harry, because harry was _alone_ and so was Sirius and he and Harry were both alone and perhaps they felt the same- though there was no way Harry felt this guilt.

He shut his eyes tightly, trying to block out his thoughts, all of which made him want to disappear but when he closed his eyes, all he could see was James-

James, laughing at a joke he had heard. James, who took him in when his own family wouldn't. James, asking Lily out over and over. James, smiling the biggest smile when Lily said "yes. James, proudly holding little Harry, who was fast asleep in his arms. James, lying on the ground, _dead._

Forever imprinted in his mind was James Potter and the grief and guilt and pain that came with it, because _it was all his fault._

Sirius slammed his fist against the cracked wall, splitting his knuckles and making him bleed but perhaps that was good because this pain was different, he welcomed this pain.

This pain blocked out the guilt and the ache in his heart and he sobbed and slammed his fist some more until he couldn't take it anymore and he slid to the ground with salty tears running down his face but he was laughing, he was tearing apart at the seams and he could taste the blood in his mouth- _how did that get there?_ \- and Sirius could not take it.

"I'm sorry, James," he whispered, cradling his injured hand and curling up into a ball. "This is all my fault."

 _ **Okay, so I finished my new fanfic. I know it is short, but it's just a oneshot, so, whatever.**_

 _ **Also, Sirius's thoughts are really long or short because that's how most thoughts are, especially if you are in shock: they are jumbled or really cut off.**_

 _ **Oh, and I know Peter didn't actually kill the Potters, he just sold them out to Voldemort, but as far as Sirius cares, he killed them, whether he had performed the curse or not.**_

 _ **Okay, and you might have noticed Sirius switching between "I didn't kill them" and "It's all my fault" because he's dealing with many emotions and he is innocent and that is what keeps him sane, but he is convinced he's a bit guilty as well.**_

 _ **The reason he didn't go mad in the books is because he knew he was innocent, but he also thought it was his fault, so I wrote it like this because he's battling with his own thoughts and so that's why it's like this.**_

 _ **Anyway, I hope that made at least some sense.**_

 _ **So he is crying and laughing through the pain but he's innocent and he knows it. It's just the shock that is making him think he is guilty, because otherwise he would go crazy, and this is supposed to be strictly canon.**_

 _ **Thanks for reading! (Even if you hate it because you still took the time to read it)**_

 _ **~Brynn**_


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